Necessary Endings

Is there anything in that title that makes you shudder? I don't know about you, but those words somehow fill me dread. It could be that I was raised by a woman who hasn't changed her furniture arrangement, used the decorative shell soap in her bathroom or burnt any candle on display since... well they moved in nearly 35 years ago. That's enough to scar someone permanently, right?

When you 'end' something, it evokes emotions like 'grieving', 'loss' and 'finality'. Personally, I always got lost in those words and never quite embraced what finality brought, which are new beginnings. I applaud those can easily move on without overly dwelling on what has come to an end. It's a trait I desperately wish I possessed.

This week has been a very difficult week for us as a family. I've been struggling with not breaking out in tears every 5 minutes. The first blow was our beloved Porter cat. He had been diagnosed diabetic a month or so ago and we've been doing our best to get it under control. We hadn't quite regulated his insulin enough to get him gaining weight again, but he was steady. And then I missed a dose... which sent him throwing up and weak and ultimately refusing to eat or drink. After a night at the vet's office on a fluid drip, things still weren't looking good. Ben said what I felt in my heart, it was time to let him go. I said an hour long goodbye to him, my first baby. He obsessively layed next to my belly while pregnant, curled up on my lap when I was sad and bit my ankles long before my children did. He was what made Ben and I a 'family' when we first started out. I could go on. And many of you know this sense of loss. It was the first time though, as an adult, the decision was mine. I was ending this poor cat's life. This wonderful cat who has been with me for 8 years. And I would have explain this to my little girls, who had loved him since they were born. Sure, it was a learning opportunity for them, but in perspective, for none more so than I.

This week also marks the transition from breast to bottle, I am weaning Finlay. I have nursed her exclusively since she was born. But when her two little bottom teeth broke through a month ago, she wanted to bite. Hard. The decision was made. It's a physical thing for me, but also emotional. I am letting go of her infancy a little bit. This is something to be rejoiced, but she is probably my last child, so it's something I will never do again. For you nursing moms out there, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. This little special thing that only I could give her now comes from a can. A giant, expensive can sold at any retailer.

And finally Ben will be resigning from his job of 10 years. He will probably kill me for posting this, since it isn't done yet. But I'm pulling a 'crazy Stef' this week and need some slack. Being a stay at home mom is great, but you inject yourself into your husband's profession because your family is dependent on only him for insurance, income, etc. Everything rides on him. And although, I am excited about the new opportunity he will starting in a few weeks, the idea of leaving a such a good situation for an unknown sends me in a tailspin of doubt.

I think I would be doing worse had I not had a great conversation with a dear friend of mine. While at an event, I picked up a book for her called, "Necessary Endings" by Henry Cloud. She's been struggling adjusting to life with two kids while working full time an hour from her home. I was trying to assure her that life as a stay-at-home mom will be great when she decides to make the leap. That sometimes holding on to who we were, where we worked and where we lived in our 20's and early 30's was keeping us from moving on to where we really need to be. Kids can't fit into our lives as they existed, we need to fit into theirs or risk missing it all.

That's it huh? I need to move on and let go or I risk missing what could be the best part. A new pet, a new phase of life, new opportunities. It's still hard for me to let go of things that were good. It will always be. But as my wonderful husband said last night, "We're leaving a very good situation for an even better one." Translated: It's time to use the decorative soap. Peace be with you for any endings that may be weighing on your heart.