The Valentine That Almost Wasn't

Tonight I'm cooking meatloaf with a special sauce. I gave all three kids a bath including hair brushing, teeth brushing and the removal of ear wax (which simultaneously amazes and grosses me out). I neatly folded about two hundred white undershirts. tighty-whiteys and gym socks.

Typical daily chores? Yes and no. These are my 'gifts of love' to my husband. He's a lucky man don't you think? I do, especially since I should have dumped him after our first Valentine's Day together 16 years ago.

It was 1995, our senior year, right at the end of an extremely successful boy's basketball season. I was a cheerleader and Ben was the star player of our state-ranked high school team. After years of being best friends, we had just crossed the threshold into 'more' with a first kiss just two weeks previous.

It was tricky because I really liked him 'in that way', but didn't want to scare him off with some psycho Valentine's display. I got him tape of Trisha Yearwood's single "I've Been Thinking About You", along with school sponsored pink and white carnations (meaning like and friendship) and a giant cookie baked by the home-ec class for a fundraiser. After receiving the flowers and cookies at school (he did the same for me except a RED carnation which meant 'love'!) he picked me up for the basketball game leaving my car at home. He would HAVE to take me home that night after the game, just as he had been doing for well over a month. I would then give him the tape. It was setting up to be the perfect first Valentine's.

The boy's team had a win that Tuesday night at home. It was a wonderful night and I was so excited to see Ben. There was pizza for the cheerleaders afterwards sponsored by a local pervert, I mean sponsor. After eating a few pieces I went to the restroom to freshen up my hair and make-up hoping to have the star of the basketball team mess it up soon after. I can say that now, we're married.

When I emerged in a cloud of hairspray, some of the basketball players (waiting on their own girlfriends) were polishing off the cheerleaders' pizza, but Ben was not with them. I figured he was down in the gym waiting. But when I got there, the only souls there were the janitors cleaning up after the sold-out crowd. I asked, but no one had seen Ben. Blah, blah, blah, fast forward about 15 minutes and I did the unthinkable, I called his house from the weight room phone. It's unthinkable because no amount of perfumed hairspray can beat the stench of a high school weight room.

When his Mom answered, in almost a chipper voice, she told me Ben had been at home for about 10 minutes (she wasn't a big fan of me). When he got on the line he said he thought I had gotten a ride and he was tired. 'Good night, see ya tomorrow.' Click. He didn't even offer to come back and get me... in fact, he didn't even wait for me to respond at all. WHAT?!?!

Thank goodness my favorite teacher who lived down the road from my house, was just leaving and gave me a lift. I loved that guy. 'Hot Rod', as we called him, let me bawl my eyes out about my botched Valentine's Day as his extremely patient 5 year old whispered from the backseat... "Daddy, can we go home now?"

I sent the tape with a friend to drop off at Ben's house, thinking it would make him feel bad. He was a teenage boy though, which meant he had no clue. He didn't call that night. He made no apologies the next day. In fact, 16 years later he still smirks and rolls his eyes about it.

I guess he knew something I didn't at that point. If he had gotten all sweet on me that first Valentine's Day, he would have set a precedent for which he would have to live up to and top every February 14th. Bravo Honey, way to set the bar low. Here's to many more years of understating our love.

Happy Valentine's Day all :)

Addiction and Mourning

It's winter.

I could end there. All things that used to be fun! and cozy! and magical! about winter are now stir crazy! and get me out! and my goodness child will you please just stay in your bed for once before I jump out a window!

It's winter.
And we're trapped with frigid temps, slick ice and various sicknesses.

I might just go drink myself to spring but then I would miss my baby. My precious 5 month old who in the midst of teething can manage to melt every icicle off the roof with her giggle.

For anyone that's had one baby you know how it changes you. It brings all sorts of new emotions to your life you never anticipated. Amongst those is anxiety and and uptight attitude until you eventually realize you fit into their life, they don't fit into yours. They will break you before rebuilding you, believe me.

For anyone that's had a second baby you discover the that although the work has increased, it's somehow better, because you know you'll get through it and you seem to enjoy this newborn thing much more than before. Anxiety starts to melt away.

For anyone who's had a third. You might just be addicted to the child that had most recently come into your family. At least this has been my experience. This little one has me wanting to wake up in the morning just to see her smile. I love watching her look up to her sisters and try to imitate them (most recently she learned to jump, it's their favorite 'sister' thing to do together). She has me ogling babies everywhere, it's not who I used to be. And to be honest, it's taken me by surprise. I, dear readers, am a certified baby addict.

Which is why this afternoon I'm mourning.

I had a rough time after delivering Finlay. Many things happened and it's been the opinion of many doctors that although I could have another child, I shouldn't. Be there for the ones you have. That's what I've been told. That's scary when someone says that to you. And although I really would have liked to feed my new found baby addiction, it's time I quit.

Today I solidified that with a long-term contraceptive. I wasn't ready to admit we're done, so there was no permanent solution, but this was a step towards that. To admit, I'm sad. I had always pictured us with four children. I pictured Finlay staring wide eyed at the new little bundle we brought home from the hospital, a playmate for her while the older two were at school. And much much more than that.

But it's done. And it's really hard for me to come to terms with. Now this phase is over I'm not sure what to do.

I suppose we've faced new phases in our lives before and rolled with it. I just wish it would've ended on my terms.

On a bright note, my little angel is up from her nap. Time to melt my insides with her grin.