Addiction and Mourning

It's winter.

I could end there. All things that used to be fun! and cozy! and magical! about winter are now stir crazy! and get me out! and my goodness child will you please just stay in your bed for once before I jump out a window!

It's winter.
And we're trapped with frigid temps, slick ice and various sicknesses.

I might just go drink myself to spring but then I would miss my baby. My precious 5 month old who in the midst of teething can manage to melt every icicle off the roof with her giggle.

For anyone that's had one baby you know how it changes you. It brings all sorts of new emotions to your life you never anticipated. Amongst those is anxiety and and uptight attitude until you eventually realize you fit into their life, they don't fit into yours. They will break you before rebuilding you, believe me.

For anyone that's had a second baby you discover the that although the work has increased, it's somehow better, because you know you'll get through it and you seem to enjoy this newborn thing much more than before. Anxiety starts to melt away.

For anyone who's had a third. You might just be addicted to the child that had most recently come into your family. At least this has been my experience. This little one has me wanting to wake up in the morning just to see her smile. I love watching her look up to her sisters and try to imitate them (most recently she learned to jump, it's their favorite 'sister' thing to do together). She has me ogling babies everywhere, it's not who I used to be. And to be honest, it's taken me by surprise. I, dear readers, am a certified baby addict.

Which is why this afternoon I'm mourning.

I had a rough time after delivering Finlay. Many things happened and it's been the opinion of many doctors that although I could have another child, I shouldn't. Be there for the ones you have. That's what I've been told. That's scary when someone says that to you. And although I really would have liked to feed my new found baby addiction, it's time I quit.

Today I solidified that with a long-term contraceptive. I wasn't ready to admit we're done, so there was no permanent solution, but this was a step towards that. To admit, I'm sad. I had always pictured us with four children. I pictured Finlay staring wide eyed at the new little bundle we brought home from the hospital, a playmate for her while the older two were at school. And much much more than that.

But it's done. And it's really hard for me to come to terms with. Now this phase is over I'm not sure what to do.

I suppose we've faced new phases in our lives before and rolled with it. I just wish it would've ended on my terms.

On a bright note, my little angel is up from her nap. Time to melt my insides with her grin.