It's 12:30 am and I promised my husband I would be in bed over an hour ago. I'm going to be tired tomorrow. But, I'll get up and take care of everything like always. Drink a lot of caffeine and go about my duties. It's a routine I know well as I've been doing variations of this for the last 6 years.
I don't know if it's the summer, or just that overall feeling that we are moving on to the next stages of life that has been keeping me up to sometimes 2 am every night for the last few weeks. It's been a mixture of uneasiness, anxiousness and a little excitement.
All of a sudden (or what seems like all of a sudden), I have some time to think. Like waking up out of a blur. Ok, not like waking up out of a blur, I have been in a constant state infant blur to which I am just recovering from. My little one is just shy of 2. She's getting easier to deal with and instead of finding myself knocked up again (as I had been when the other two where her age) I now how some... free time (gasp!).
Free time is something I've never been good at. Looking back if there was a sliding scale from Lazy to 'Go-Get-Em' I would be about a 3... on a good day. Being a mother though has kicked Lazy Stef's ass out and told her to do the piling up loads of laundry, go to the store, have dinner cooked and for goodness sake DO SOMETHING FUN WITH YOUR KIDS. I know you all have that same inner voice yelling at you too. There is ALWAYS something to be done.
Well, I am doing most of that stuff, with a teeny bit little time left over. And I feel like it's time to start doing something for myself. The problem? Well, the stuff I need to do for myself is something I've never been able to do before.
I'm overweight. Have been since early 20's. The funny thing is I like who I am much more than I ever did at a reasonable weight. It's the best feeling to love who you are. But realistically I need to lose 80lbs. Dreaming...100 lbs. And I think about all the stuff I want to do with my kids are are growing faster than I can grasp. Yet this extra weight I carry is like carrying all 3 my children all day long.
Around my neck.
Around my legs.
Around my waist.
I have always faced weight loss as a vanity issue. Now it really comes down to a quality of life issue. The weight will start getting in the way of fun stuff we do as a family. Roller coasters, hiking, swimming. They can be done, but honestly, not very well.
If I haven't been able to figure this out by now, at almost 35 years old. How can I start? Where do I start? I don't know. I just know I have to start.
Where I've been is on the edge of feeling simultaneously that I can do something great... mentally I'm ready, physically I need it. But also life can't stop so I can do this HUGE thing. This long time consuming, challenging thing that might as well be me learning how to be in two places at once.
So, lately I've been using that extra bit of time for other worthwhile and fulfilling projects. Good, but at this time of night with nothing but my thoughts and the guilt of how to be a good role model for my girls, rest can't find me.
I just continue to sit on the edge with my feet dangling, watching the other cool Moms playing in the deep end. Sitting here I'm safe. Jumping in means 'sink or swim'. And after just learning to swim through this whole motherhood thing, I'm just not sure I have the stamina to go there. The fear of drowning is keeping me here. For now. I hope.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
From Whence You Came
During college I had a friend, more a girlfriend of my boyfriend's friend, who happily referred to herself as 'daddy's princess'. No, seriously. They went to Disney world like 4 times a year and when her sister got married in her 30's she had a Disney princess theme. It was all a bit shocking to my system as I had grown out of that phase at age 5 or so.
When she and my boyfriend's friend got engaged, we were all invited to her hometown for a bridal shower. I remember one of her closest college friends pulled us 'newbies' aside and said, "When we go to her hometown, you will understand why she is the way she is." Sure enough, after 2 days with her parents, aunts and other close friends and family, I realized that she wasn't the crazy one. She had only absorbed crazy growing up and knew nothing more.
When she was around her family it was like she was the missing piece of the puzzle. She was a perfect match to the environment. She wasn't the loud one anymore, she wasn't the biggest 'princess', in fact she seemed downright subdued comparatively. I DID understand her more. And felt sorry for my friend who was marrying into all that.
Personally, I had always felt a little 'wierd' growing up. I liked to wear black, my brother's cammo, my Dad's high school letter jacket and my sister's big 80's jewelry. The more unique the stuff, the better. So when I left to go to OU, I thought I would fit right in. Turns out my liking to shower daily and lack of experimentation with drugs kept me from fitting in with the hippie crowd. And I didn't care as much about my looks to fit in the sorority crowd. After a year and a half I moved on.
Moving to UC was much better, I liked to think of my DAAP class as the 'Island of the Misfit Toys'. There were the typical driven freshman, but also an exceptionally large amount of transfers. Those of us who were over the newness of college and through different circumstances had found our way to that strange building with strange hours and strange professors. Not one was the same, but we were all linked by the same ridiculousness that 5 years brought us. Some I clicked with more than others but we all had the same battlefield alliance no outside person could relate to.
The last 10 years have brought an expansiveness to our lives with new church acquaintances, mommy friends, neighbors, etc. We all have something in common that I truly enjoy being a part of.
Last weekend I went back to my hometown to celebrate the birthday of a best friend since birth. At midnight I found myself surrounded by girls, now women, who had spent their formidable childhood/teenage years together. There were the same old stories, a lot of laughing, beer, yoga pants, stretch marks, no make-up and pony tails. But most important was the unmistakable sense of home. The moment I no longer felt like a fish out of water, but piece of the landscape.
I never want to move back. I have a happy life with my family a few hours away, but sometimes it's nice to go where people know (and helped create) the skeletons in your closet and who knew you before you figured it out yourself. As different as we all are now, we all had this small town in common that shaped who we were to become.
Most importantly, after that weekend, it's really nice to know I'm not all that crazy. I just absorbed a large amount of it growing up :)
When she and my boyfriend's friend got engaged, we were all invited to her hometown for a bridal shower. I remember one of her closest college friends pulled us 'newbies' aside and said, "When we go to her hometown, you will understand why she is the way she is." Sure enough, after 2 days with her parents, aunts and other close friends and family, I realized that she wasn't the crazy one. She had only absorbed crazy growing up and knew nothing more.
When she was around her family it was like she was the missing piece of the puzzle. She was a perfect match to the environment. She wasn't the loud one anymore, she wasn't the biggest 'princess', in fact she seemed downright subdued comparatively. I DID understand her more. And felt sorry for my friend who was marrying into all that.
Personally, I had always felt a little 'wierd' growing up. I liked to wear black, my brother's cammo, my Dad's high school letter jacket and my sister's big 80's jewelry. The more unique the stuff, the better. So when I left to go to OU, I thought I would fit right in. Turns out my liking to shower daily and lack of experimentation with drugs kept me from fitting in with the hippie crowd. And I didn't care as much about my looks to fit in the sorority crowd. After a year and a half I moved on.
Moving to UC was much better, I liked to think of my DAAP class as the 'Island of the Misfit Toys'. There were the typical driven freshman, but also an exceptionally large amount of transfers. Those of us who were over the newness of college and through different circumstances had found our way to that strange building with strange hours and strange professors. Not one was the same, but we were all linked by the same ridiculousness that 5 years brought us. Some I clicked with more than others but we all had the same battlefield alliance no outside person could relate to.
The last 10 years have brought an expansiveness to our lives with new church acquaintances, mommy friends, neighbors, etc. We all have something in common that I truly enjoy being a part of.
Last weekend I went back to my hometown to celebrate the birthday of a best friend since birth. At midnight I found myself surrounded by girls, now women, who had spent their formidable childhood/teenage years together. There were the same old stories, a lot of laughing, beer, yoga pants, stretch marks, no make-up and pony tails. But most important was the unmistakable sense of home. The moment I no longer felt like a fish out of water, but piece of the landscape.
I never want to move back. I have a happy life with my family a few hours away, but sometimes it's nice to go where people know (and helped create) the skeletons in your closet and who knew you before you figured it out yourself. As different as we all are now, we all had this small town in common that shaped who we were to become.
Most importantly, after that weekend, it's really nice to know I'm not all that crazy. I just absorbed a large amount of it growing up :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
