On Edge

It's 12:30 am and I promised my husband I would be in bed over an hour ago.  I'm going to be tired tomorrow.  But, I'll get up and take care of everything like always.  Drink a lot of caffeine and go about my duties.  It's a routine I know well as I've been doing variations of this for the last 6 years. 
I don't know if it's the summer, or just that overall feeling that we are moving on to the next stages of life that has been keeping me up to sometimes 2 am every night for the last few weeks.  It's been a mixture of uneasiness, anxiousness and a little excitement. 

All of a sudden (or what seems like all of a sudden), I have some time to think.  Like waking up out of a blur.  Ok, not like waking up out of a blur, I have been in a constant state infant blur to which I am just recovering from.  My little one is just shy of 2.  She's getting easier to deal with and instead of finding myself knocked up again (as I had been when the other two where her age) I now how some... free time (gasp!).

Free time is something I've never been good at.  Looking back if there was a sliding scale from Lazy to 'Go-Get-Em' I would be about a 3... on a good day.  Being a mother though has kicked Lazy Stef's ass out and told her to do the piling up loads of laundry, go to the store, have dinner cooked and for goodness sake DO SOMETHING FUN WITH YOUR KIDS. I know you all have that same inner voice yelling at you too.  There is ALWAYS something to be done.  

Well, I am doing most of that stuff, with a teeny bit little time left over.  And I feel like it's time to start doing something for myself.  The problem? Well, the stuff I need to do for myself is something I've never been able to do before.

I'm overweight. Have been since early 20's.  The funny thing is I like who I am much more than I ever did at a reasonable weight.  It's the best feeling to love who you are.  But realistically I need to lose 80lbs.  Dreaming...100 lbs.  And I think about all the stuff I want to do with my kids are are growing faster than I can grasp.  Yet this extra weight I carry is like carrying all 3 my children all day long. 
Around my neck.
Around my legs.
Around my waist.

I have always faced weight loss as a vanity issue.  Now it really comes down to a quality of life issue.  The weight will start getting in the way of fun stuff we do as a family.  Roller coasters, hiking, swimming.  They can be done, but honestly, not very well.

If I haven't been able to figure this out by now, at almost 35 years old.  How can I start?  Where do I start?  I don't know.  I just know I have to start.

Where I've been is on the edge of feeling simultaneously that I can do something great... mentally I'm ready, physically I need it.  But also life can't stop so I can do this HUGE thing.  This long time consuming, challenging thing that might as well be me learning how to be in two places at once.
So, lately I've been using that extra bit of time for other worthwhile and fulfilling projects.   Good, but at this time of night with nothing but my thoughts and the guilt of how to be a good role model for my girls, rest can't find me. 

I just continue to sit on the edge with my feet dangling, watching the other cool Moms playing in the deep end.  Sitting here I'm safe.  Jumping in means 'sink or swim'.  And after just learning to swim through this whole motherhood thing, I'm just not sure I have the stamina to go there.  The fear of drowning is keeping me here.  For now.  I hope.