'20'

Happy November everyone! I'm glad it's here. It's relatively empty compared to October, thank goodness. I ripped the October page off tonight and smiled at all the white space. Gosh I love white space. That is, until I saw the number '20', circled in red at the bottom of November 10th. That people.... was a reminder. A now sickening and saddening reminder that I would have been 20 weeks pregnant on that day. A half-way milestone to what would have been our third child.

I think most of you know that on September 11th we went in for a routine ultrasound at 11-1/2 weeks. A welcome plateau to a very hard pregnancy. I had been sick. Like SOOO sick, at one point I was pretty sure I was dying... seriously, not to sound too dramatic or anything. I remember sitting there, excited, but so very nervous before going in. We watched another couple go in before us and exit with these images. You could not wipe the grin off that guy's face. 'First timers', we thought, and smiled at thought of how much they were going to encounter to get to the point we were at.

I still felt nervous though. After you have experienced one miscarriage (we lost a baby before Hazelle), the first trimester is never the same. You always have it in your head that its a crap shoot, 50/50, nothing is for certain. I definently had it on my mind that this baby might not be alive. But I had been sick and that made me feel better, mentally at least, that my body was doing it's job and I had a little kid trying to get big enough to kick my bladder constantly. I could go on, but the gist is when the ultrasound tech saw the baby, it wasn't moving, there was no blood flow, and it was only measuring 8-1/2 weeks. She got all her images she needed before telling us. I knew already though.

We were ushered back to room immediately, a standard protocol so women don't have to go out in the waiting room and hold it in until they are in private. My ob/gyn smiled at me on the way back, not having seen the results yet. I was glad though. I wasn't looking forward to the sad head nod I knew was coming and all the 'Next time...''s we'd talk about. We didn't cry, either one of us. It was more shock, a familiar, sickening shock.

I had a D&C a few days later and have been trying to get back to normal ever since. I feel pretty good now, but every once in awhile, something will hit, like tonight and that stupid red number '20' circled on my calendar, as to what I'm missing. The first time I miscarried 4-1/2 years ago, I had marked every week on my calendar in red ink. I spent over an hour after that miscarriage taking whiteout to the remaining 30 numbered weeks. For the next 6 months, all the stupid whited-out pages in that calendar stuck together. Lesson learned. Never mark dates again... at least all of them. '20' is an all-important half-way milestone though, one of only a few to get inked. Unfortunately this '20' no longer serves as a reminder our baby's due date is half way here, but as a reminder our baby will never be.

Coincindence

Stupid story, but it struck me funny. I was shopping for our pumpkin carving party with Isla this morning at Meijer. They happened to have pop on sale, the cases, so I put 3 in the cart, which, made the cart significantly harder to move and turn. But me has me diet soda for a week or two, (more on my severe caffeine addiction to come). Anyway, I'm going down the end aisle, trying to figure out where something is. I stopped, realizing it was the aisle before I had to go down, looking sheepishly at an older gentleman because I almost mowed him down in my haste. With great force, I pulled the cart backward, and in the EXACT same moment was a 'Beep, Beep, Beep...' like a gigantic bus backing up would sound like (come on, you know what I'm talking about and would totally impersonate it if this thing had sound). Anyway, this man, as well as Isla looks at me like, "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!?!" I, myself, looked around for the candid camera for a second and almost cried the second second thinking, my butt is so large it's making BEEPING NOISES NOW! That is until I turned the corner down the aisle I needed and almost mowed over an old lady in one of those motorized scooters, who was backing up (completely out of sight of the old man, so he DOES think my butt is that large that it makes beeping sounds while I back up on an everyday basis). Commentary rant as to WHY a motorized scooter would possibly need a back-up beep to begin with will come at a later date.
Yes, that was what my friend Whitney would call a 'GodWink'. Apparently He thought I needed severely embarrassed as well as an internal chuckle this morning. Happenstance? coincidence? I think not :)

Crazy Cat Lady

This world of being a stay at home mom is much deeper than I ever anticipated. I got my first glimpse of it when two friends and I went to the Oprah show in March, for a taping about being a 'mommy'. A lot of the women interviewed on the show were mommy bloggers and authors. My impression was that these were go-get-em soccer moms who, like pioneer women, held the fort down, raised the kids, kept the cabin clean, had dinner on the table at 6, had their figure back after every child and found a way to make a little money from the internet. Hmmm, so... I guess not pioneer women exactly, oh well. Anyway, it gives you an idea of the distorted, unrealistic view I had. Needless to say, I am the EXACT opposite of that aforementioned description. The mere idea of doing this full time made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.



Fast forward two days and am in the conference room of my job getting 'laid off'. I seriously prefer this description to getting 'canned'. It just sounds nicer. So guess what I am?? STAY AT HOME MOM!!! Friends and family have been holding their breaths ever since.



That's been, oh, 7 months ago (I'll fill in the gaps for you at some point, don't worry chatty cathy here won't let you down) and I have this ephiany today. All those stay-at-homes on the Oprah show were once like ME! They didn't necessarily start blogging because they have all this wisdom to share with the world and spread peace and happiness to all they encounter. No, they just plain MISS the world! It's like having a one-sided conversation a real-life adult. One that you can cuss in front of, be a little catty to and say what's on your mind. So instead of talking to yourself or a beloved cat or two or fifty, you can 'talk' to the world. And honestly, I don't think they (me) cares if anyone even listens, I'm just having a much needed conversation! To someone who is listening! I have to think that if all those little old ladies who have a ba-zillion cats for the company had just had internet... hmm, maybe they would be blogging or on Facebook stalking their first boyfriend, instead of cleaning up after all those felines. Yes, this is my deep thought of the day. Thank you, oh internet, for intervening when you did.

In the Beginning...

Over the summer I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog. Not really for anyone, but for me to stuff out of my head. (mind you, it's been a rough, but enlightening year). I often thought about what the blog's name would be. And for those of you who know me, it would not come as a surprise to you that I somewhat obsessed over it. One morning 'Wisdom in Training' popped in my head. I feel like since being a stay at home mom, I've been in this 'life' marathon, for which I trained too little for. It made me laugh (and cry), because I finally know enough to realize how little I know. So I vow to keep learning from whatever life throws at me, unless I'm hungover, because let's be honest...whoever learns from that. :)

'There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self' -Aldous Huxley