I kind of got blind sided last week.
Last Monday was the beginning of spring break for Hazelle. As she and Isla cuddled in bed with me to watch "Martha Speaks" I whispered, "Hazelle, do you know what today is? Today is the first day of SPRING BREAK! We don't have to rush to get you ready for school! We can just lay here and lounge around this morning!" I was really excited about this... seriously, no fights! I wasn't sure what type of response I was going to get from her. You never really know with a 4-year old. Either she could have started jumping for joy or bawling because she wouldn't see her friends for a week. On this particular morning she looked at me wide-eyed and said, "Yay! Does that mean the new baby is coming out this week?"
It threw me off for a second before it dawned on me. The day before I found out our last pregnancy hadn't survived, I had a feeling of confidence. I was 12 weeks and really sick and Hazelle asked me why I had to go to the doctor's the next day (for my routine 12-week visit and ultrasound). I smiled at her and told her that she was going to have a new brother or sister and the doctor just needed to make sure everything was alright. "Now?" she asked. "No honey, when you go on spring break, that will be when the new baby will come out".
And there it was. A conversation I had on September 10th and then just neglected to explain more to an excited 3 year old as I grieved for the baby we lost. I can't believe she freaking remembered that ONE ever-so-brief conversation we had after school one day. She never asked about that baby. It took my husband and I a long time to tell her about this one. Most people said it wasn't worth explaining, that she would never know. But now she had remembered something I had forgot, that upcoming week, today actually, was my due date.
In all the hurriedness with trying to get the house ready to show, this had slipped past us. I felt... well, mostly guilty. It should have dawned on me, what kind of mother forgets this?
As we walked out to the van that afternoon, Hazelle ran to the yellow daffodils that were starting to bloom. Walking around to get her something caught my eye. Last fall, I planted what I referred to as my 'memorial garden'. It had the little birdbath I purchased after my first miscarriage, in between 2 beautiful plants, Lenten Roses, which I had planted late last fall. It was my little homage to the little souls who would never see this world. This day I looked at those dead plants and saw new green leaves, and 3 beautiful pink flowers on each.
Now I could look at this two different ways. 1. They are called 'Lenten Roses'... and this is well, Lent. It could reasonably be expected that these flowers bloom during this season. or 2. This was a little reminder, a forget-me-not wink from heaven that on this particular day a sad remembrance turned into a little beautiful moment with the bloom of those flowers. To see something dead or dormant come alive has been a full-circle moment for which they were planted. Call it what you want but it made me feel a little warm and fuzzy, a little less sad and a lot more healed.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Super Sunday Bikini Contest
Last December while talking to a friend of mine, she mentioned that existing home owners could get $6500 if they sold an existing and bought a new home. That little chunk of money dangled like a carrot in front of my husband and I. Shortly before I found out I was pregnant again, we decided to go for it and put it on the market. VERY loving family has been helping us ever since to get this thing ready to show. No small feat, just ask my mom who has been telling me how much our house has needed cleaned for the last 6 years.
After 3 months, 3 snowstorms, 3 trips to donate crap (including 3 contractor grade garbage bags of my clothes from 10 years ago) and a very uneventful first trimester we did it! I have never been to therapy, but I think achieving this has been damn near an epiphany.
On Facebook I described selling our house as feeling like you're "standing outside in a bathing suit." Now this might seem a little strange, but you have no idea how much anxiety it gives me to put on a bathing suit, let alone go out in public. In fact, I took my kids swimming last year at the YMCA twice. A near miracle considering I hadn't been in a bathing suit since spring break 1997. Seriously. 1997... and that was a good 65 lbs ago. And I tried to stay drunk the whole time so I didn't have to be aware of the fact that I was actually in a bathing suit.
And so really, that's how I feel about selling this house. It's me. It's all my decisions for the last 6.5 years put in 18 pictures and a brief description. You wonder what people think, but really don't want to know. You know you don't look as good as a lot of other people, but you hope some odd person some how looks past the dimpled ass and varicose veins and thinks, "whoa dude, she's hot. I want to make an offer." (And please let that offer be about within $5,000 of our asking price.)
Last Sunday was "Super Sunday", a superbowl for realtors trying to convince those who don't own homes they should do so NOW. Over 3,000 homes for sale in Cincinnati were open for public viewings, hoping to catch a piece of that tax credit pie. Ours was one of those.
I put on that "Open House" bathing suit and tried to flaunt my ass off (new air freshners, fresh flowers and the cleanest this house has ever been!). But... much prettier girls were shaking their booty and no one wanted the fat chick (and by no one, I mean no one showed up for 2 hours). Oh well, at least I put on the suit. And if you know of anyone who wants the most space efficient 4 bed, 2 bath house this side of 75, please send them my way. It's getting really cold standing out here.
After 3 months, 3 snowstorms, 3 trips to donate crap (including 3 contractor grade garbage bags of my clothes from 10 years ago) and a very uneventful first trimester we did it! I have never been to therapy, but I think achieving this has been damn near an epiphany.
On Facebook I described selling our house as feeling like you're "standing outside in a bathing suit." Now this might seem a little strange, but you have no idea how much anxiety it gives me to put on a bathing suit, let alone go out in public. In fact, I took my kids swimming last year at the YMCA twice. A near miracle considering I hadn't been in a bathing suit since spring break 1997. Seriously. 1997... and that was a good 65 lbs ago. And I tried to stay drunk the whole time so I didn't have to be aware of the fact that I was actually in a bathing suit.
And so really, that's how I feel about selling this house. It's me. It's all my decisions for the last 6.5 years put in 18 pictures and a brief description. You wonder what people think, but really don't want to know. You know you don't look as good as a lot of other people, but you hope some odd person some how looks past the dimpled ass and varicose veins and thinks, "whoa dude, she's hot. I want to make an offer." (And please let that offer be about within $5,000 of our asking price.)
Last Sunday was "Super Sunday", a superbowl for realtors trying to convince those who don't own homes they should do so NOW. Over 3,000 homes for sale in Cincinnati were open for public viewings, hoping to catch a piece of that tax credit pie. Ours was one of those.
I put on that "Open House" bathing suit and tried to flaunt my ass off (new air freshners, fresh flowers and the cleanest this house has ever been!). But... much prettier girls were shaking their booty and no one wanted the fat chick (and by no one, I mean no one showed up for 2 hours). Oh well, at least I put on the suit. And if you know of anyone who wants the most space efficient 4 bed, 2 bath house this side of 75, please send them my way. It's getting really cold standing out here.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I'm Coming Out.
Yes, you read correctly. I am coming out of the closet. This has taken me a long time to write, but I think it's about time. I owe it to my husband and children, all those close to me who already know and have been keeping it a secret (or not so much, like my mom). Ok, here goes...
I am pregnant.
K to the N to the O-C-K-E-D up... again. Yes, for the 5th time in as many years. I am pregnant again. 15 weeks today. So if you look back at my previous posts it might make a little sense while I raged in one and contemplated life and loss in another. So goes the wonderful roller coaster that is gestation.
And why the dramatics? Well, for those of you who do not have children, but plan to one day, take this piece of advice. Enjoy every second of telling people about your first pregnancy. You will get hugs, tears, laughing, eye winks, presents, cards and flowers. People will carry your groceries, open doors for you and ask how you are feeling. Every old woman within a block of you will get a twinkle in her eye, feel your belly and tell you to relish every second because it goes so fast, she should know, her baby is now 60.
And then your second pregnancy? Well, it's alright. You get people saying 'Congratulations', 'Good luck!', 'It's twice the work'. You even get the occasional 'STOP NOW WHILE YOU CAN!' (I thank my sister, who has 4 children, for that little number)
Thus brings us to pregnancy number three. You are lucky to get a, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for." All this while apologizing profusely and dragging along a screaming toddler and grumpy preschooler who both want a new pony and a sippy cup o' juice.
I've only had a few people close enough to me make the daring announcement to family and friends they are expecting a FOURTH, the audacity! One of those being my sister who announced she was expecting her last child, while holding a crying 10 month-old as her 5 year-old 2-1/2 year-old ran around the table terrorizing any relative who looked at them cross-eyed (which was all of them of course). From how it was recalled by my mother, the entire table fell silent, mouths fell open, forks fell onto their plates and everyone held their breath. Until my uncle started laughing, which started everyone else laughing, because, they all thought she was telling a really bad joke.... which she wasn't. Needless to say I don't think it was the reaction my sister and her husband were going for.
So 4 people, I'm outed. Still a little worried here and there but guess it's time to strart spreading the news. The due date is August 28th. Dead heat of the summer (yay!). Feel free, go ahead and say it, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for."
I am pregnant.
K to the N to the O-C-K-E-D up... again. Yes, for the 5th time in as many years. I am pregnant again. 15 weeks today. So if you look back at my previous posts it might make a little sense while I raged in one and contemplated life and loss in another. So goes the wonderful roller coaster that is gestation.
And why the dramatics? Well, for those of you who do not have children, but plan to one day, take this piece of advice. Enjoy every second of telling people about your first pregnancy. You will get hugs, tears, laughing, eye winks, presents, cards and flowers. People will carry your groceries, open doors for you and ask how you are feeling. Every old woman within a block of you will get a twinkle in her eye, feel your belly and tell you to relish every second because it goes so fast, she should know, her baby is now 60.
And then your second pregnancy? Well, it's alright. You get people saying 'Congratulations', 'Good luck!', 'It's twice the work'. You even get the occasional 'STOP NOW WHILE YOU CAN!' (I thank my sister, who has 4 children, for that little number)
Thus brings us to pregnancy number three. You are lucky to get a, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for." All this while apologizing profusely and dragging along a screaming toddler and grumpy preschooler who both want a new pony and a sippy cup o' juice.
I've only had a few people close enough to me make the daring announcement to family and friends they are expecting a FOURTH, the audacity! One of those being my sister who announced she was expecting her last child, while holding a crying 10 month-old as her 5 year-old 2-1/2 year-old ran around the table terrorizing any relative who looked at them cross-eyed (which was all of them of course). From how it was recalled by my mother, the entire table fell silent, mouths fell open, forks fell onto their plates and everyone held their breath. Until my uncle started laughing, which started everyone else laughing, because, they all thought she was telling a really bad joke.... which she wasn't. Needless to say I don't think it was the reaction my sister and her husband were going for.
So 4 people, I'm outed. Still a little worried here and there but guess it's time to strart spreading the news. The due date is August 28th. Dead heat of the summer (yay!). Feel free, go ahead and say it, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for."
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