Forget-Me-Nots

I kind of got blind sided last week.

Last Monday was the beginning of spring break for Hazelle. As she and Isla cuddled in bed with me to watch "Martha Speaks" I whispered, "Hazelle, do you know what today is? Today is the first day of SPRING BREAK! We don't have to rush to get you ready for school! We can just lay here and lounge around this morning!" I was really excited about this... seriously, no fights! I wasn't sure what type of response I was going to get from her. You never really know with a 4-year old. Either she could have started jumping for joy or bawling because she wouldn't see her friends for a week. On this particular morning she looked at me wide-eyed and said, "Yay! Does that mean the new baby is coming out this week?"

It threw me off for a second before it dawned on me. The day before I found out our last pregnancy hadn't survived, I had a feeling of confidence. I was 12 weeks and really sick and Hazelle asked me why I had to go to the doctor's the next day (for my routine 12-week visit and ultrasound). I smiled at her and told her that she was going to have a new brother or sister and the doctor just needed to make sure everything was alright. "Now?" she asked. "No honey, when you go on spring break, that will be when the new baby will come out".

And there it was. A conversation I had on September 10th and then just neglected to explain more to an excited 3 year old as I grieved for the baby we lost. I can't believe she freaking remembered that ONE ever-so-brief conversation we had after school one day. She never asked about that baby. It took my husband and I a long time to tell her about this one. Most people said it wasn't worth explaining, that she would never know. But now she had remembered something I had forgot, that upcoming week, today actually, was my due date.

In all the hurriedness with trying to get the house ready to show, this had slipped past us. I felt... well, mostly guilty. It should have dawned on me, what kind of mother forgets this?

As we walked out to the van that afternoon, Hazelle ran to the yellow daffodils that were starting to bloom. Walking around to get her something caught my eye. Last fall, I planted what I referred to as my 'memorial garden'. It had the little birdbath I purchased after my first miscarriage, in between 2 beautiful plants, Lenten Roses, which I had planted late last fall. It was my little homage to the little souls who would never see this world. This day I looked at those dead plants and saw new green leaves, and 3 beautiful pink flowers on each.

Now I could look at this two different ways. 1. They are called 'Lenten Roses'... and this is well, Lent. It could reasonably be expected that these flowers bloom during this season. or 2. This was a little reminder, a forget-me-not wink from heaven that on this particular day a sad remembrance turned into a little beautiful moment with the bloom of those flowers. To see something dead or dormant come alive has been a full-circle moment for which they were planted. Call it what you want but it made me feel a little warm and fuzzy, a little less sad and a lot more healed.