Finding Life

I remember the first time I watched Finding Nemo. It was in the basement of my sister's house and literally cried from laughter for 10 minutes when Dory spoke whale. That was about 5 years ago. Just last year my Mom got that movie for my girls and I rediscovered what a delight it was. It's one of those movies that has adult stuff in it, but in a real life sort of way. (As opposed to, 'I really hope the kids don't start asking me questions about that tongue-in-cheek dialogue I'm snickering about'. I'm SO not ready to have that conversation.)

The first thing in that movie that resonated with me (besides the whale talking, you know, I should just bust that out on the kids one day and see just how crazy they think I am...) was when Dory, geniusly voiced by the very funny Ellen DeGeneres said, "When life gets you down, do you wanna know what you gotta do? Just keep on swimming, swimming, swimming." I believe at the time I was expecting or had a newborn and was trying to adjust to that new role, balancing life and work and marriage... basically feeling very out of control. I had no idea what I was doing or how I was going to juggle all these very important things in my life. And hearing that little blue fish just seemed to answer that conundrum I had been struggling with, just keep swimming. Simple. Just do it.

I used to think I was a little crazy for letting a little blue fish define my life motto, until I shared it with a friend I worked with. She had been going through a rough time and I told her that I hear Ellen DeGeneres singing in my head when I just feel like going in a corner and shriveling up. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." She laughed and then slowly back away so she wouldn't catch my 'crazies'. Sheesh, my crazies aren't contagious, do your research. ANYWAY, much later she told me that after that conversation, she too heard Dory singing in her head... and it made her smile and feel better....SEE! Being a little out there is fun! And much cheaper than medication.

When watching Nemo for the 400th time with the girls, a scene previously innocuous suddenly had new meaning. It's when Marlin and Dory are stuck in the whale's mouth and the whale has told them to let go. Marlin says something like, "How do I know things are going to be alright?" and Dory replies, "I don't". Then there's something about 'letting go' and Dory falls into the unknown abyss, followed by a reluctant Marlin. This part of the movie really hit home for where I am in life right now. Even though I am 21 months post lay-off from my job, I still feel like I am desperately holding on to a whale's epiglottis trying to stay where I was instead of trusting that voice that says, "Let go" will take me to where I want to be.

I think we've got the swimming part down. Every day we get up and do our best to make this little family function. My house is a mess, I'm a mess and my kids haven't had a bath in 4 days, but I think we're doing it. My kids are happy, smart and thriving and I'm finding joy in staying at home. My days are not as long and baby Fin's first smile of the morning is something I wake up anticipating. Still, it's hard to feel like I'm 100% okay with letting go of who I was. Those pangs of hurt still, just slightly, sting. The need to feel wanted and useful and creative can be achieved in other ways, but I'm having a hard time completely letting go, not sure on how those needs are going to be met in a life at home.

I feel you Marlin. It seems no one gets that it's hard to let go just because someone told you to. It flies in the face of all reasoning. It's unknown, and we both know the unknown is something we're not comfortable with. But I guess you and I both need to trust that it will all be alright if we slide off that whale's tongue.

If only it were that easy...