Jeopardy: The Game of Answers & More Questions

Well, I got answers from the previous post. As expected, it was just... well... okay. The anticipation is off and I'm left to ponder. I hate pondering, I was never very good at that considering I'm borderline ADD.

First off, feedback from last Saturday was alright. 'House showed well', 'Had great potential for the couple'... BUT 'Too many rental and apt. buildings nearby'. We considered that a victory. We can't control our surroundings, but we can control the inside, and that they liked. Slight victory? Check. Do they even want to consider our house? Well, no. Defeat? Check, Check.

Then the showing yesterday couldn't have deflated me more. The people pulled up to the outside AND WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF THE CAR, sent the realtor to the door to say they weren't interested. Wouldn't have been as bad had I not just had a rough morning and only gotten 3 hours sleep and could see the people looking at me from the car. It was like sending a note to the cute boy only to have him rip up in front of you without looking at it. Hey bud, it could've been A MILLION DOLLAR CHECK! But you'll never know because you DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT IT! But realistically, he and I both knew it was just note that said, 'Will you go with me? Check yes or no.' And we were pretty much on the same page he was probably going to say no. No loss, no foul right?

The kicker was our ultrasound though, which details keep going through my mind. If you are dying to find out what the baby is, let me squelch that one for you now. We weren't going to tell. But it didn't matter because our little one was breech and had it's legs in such a knot the ultrasound tech really didn't bother. But, the thing was, that didn't even matter to her... other things did. Which now concerns us too much more than if we need to buy any boy clothes.

Ultrasounds for us have run the gamut. I won't go into detail, but we've been devastated at the loss of our last pregnancy so unexpected, frustrated but entertained at watching Isla turn somersaults while we were trying to figure out her sex, in awe the first time we saw Hazelle's profile. We also know how the tech's act. And ours was all business yesterday, barely saying a word.

Basically, we noticed she was getting extra pictures of the heart and brain. She told us what she was looking for, but never said what she feared. Legally she can't. The baby was moving, measuring dead on my due date, and looked really good to me. When I met with the doctor she said I needed a level 2 ultrasound in a few weeks. The baby had some fluid around it's heart and they want to see if it gets resolved on it's own. She said probably not a means to be concerned, but they need to follow up to make sure things develop normally or if this could turn into something more. What she didn't mention was there was also a dilation in the back of the baby's brain.

I didn't put two and two together until I got home and googled a search term in my order and remembered asking the tech what part of the brain she kept measuring. I sent an email to my sister, who is enjoying a much needed vacation in Hawaii and asked her what this meant. Her response was quick and not as non-chalant as I would have hoped. Her first question was "How did your doctor act about it?" Well, honestly I don't know. I put a call in this morning and am waiting on hearing back.* My guess is she knows I've been a bundle of nerves and didn't want to make it worse, we'll know more in a few weeks.
*I talked to the doctor and she said everything was in normal range, but since we were having a level 2 ultrasound anyway, she was going to get a second pair of eyes on it, just to be safe. We feel better.

Anyway, so yesterday resolved many questions, but raised many more. So I'm just going to sit back, keep my house clean and enjoy the little kicks the baby has finally gotten big enough to deliver. And say a prayer in between that the important things turn out alright. You are more than welcome to say one too :)

Roller Coasters

I used to like roller coasters, until one day. One day, I woke up and thought to myself, "Why all the drama? I like the ground, a flat even ground for which I know I will not fall farther than my height." And that was it. Not that I'm scared or despise them, I just prefer my feet... on the ground. I somewhat consider that the day I became a boring adult.

Hence this week. It's nothing really but I feel like I've been strapped to the front of a roller coaster again and I'm anticipating that ride. But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm going to like it. My mind is going a million miles an hour thinking of all the possibilities, just to make sure I'm not blindsided by one that I hadn't considered. What if it has loops? What if it suddenly goes backwards? What if it stops in the middle and I can't get down?

Yes, I really did go there. But anyway, of course I'm not talking about a REAL roller coaster. We have our all-important ultrasound on Wednesday morning and are patiently waiting on feedback from our one and only house showing on Saturday. And we have another showing tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly nervous and anxious about both, any and all, to the point I'm almost in tears with anticipation. What if something is wrong with the baby? What if the people looked at our house and thought, "This place is a dump! They're asking WHAT for it?!? They're never going to sell..." What if we don't sell... ever? What if if I give birth to a two headed alien? I don't know. It's just all negative. Like that big black rain seen above any cartoon character's head. I have officially turned into Charlie Brown. Good grief.

Forget-Me-Nots

I kind of got blind sided last week.

Last Monday was the beginning of spring break for Hazelle. As she and Isla cuddled in bed with me to watch "Martha Speaks" I whispered, "Hazelle, do you know what today is? Today is the first day of SPRING BREAK! We don't have to rush to get you ready for school! We can just lay here and lounge around this morning!" I was really excited about this... seriously, no fights! I wasn't sure what type of response I was going to get from her. You never really know with a 4-year old. Either she could have started jumping for joy or bawling because she wouldn't see her friends for a week. On this particular morning she looked at me wide-eyed and said, "Yay! Does that mean the new baby is coming out this week?"

It threw me off for a second before it dawned on me. The day before I found out our last pregnancy hadn't survived, I had a feeling of confidence. I was 12 weeks and really sick and Hazelle asked me why I had to go to the doctor's the next day (for my routine 12-week visit and ultrasound). I smiled at her and told her that she was going to have a new brother or sister and the doctor just needed to make sure everything was alright. "Now?" she asked. "No honey, when you go on spring break, that will be when the new baby will come out".

And there it was. A conversation I had on September 10th and then just neglected to explain more to an excited 3 year old as I grieved for the baby we lost. I can't believe she freaking remembered that ONE ever-so-brief conversation we had after school one day. She never asked about that baby. It took my husband and I a long time to tell her about this one. Most people said it wasn't worth explaining, that she would never know. But now she had remembered something I had forgot, that upcoming week, today actually, was my due date.

In all the hurriedness with trying to get the house ready to show, this had slipped past us. I felt... well, mostly guilty. It should have dawned on me, what kind of mother forgets this?

As we walked out to the van that afternoon, Hazelle ran to the yellow daffodils that were starting to bloom. Walking around to get her something caught my eye. Last fall, I planted what I referred to as my 'memorial garden'. It had the little birdbath I purchased after my first miscarriage, in between 2 beautiful plants, Lenten Roses, which I had planted late last fall. It was my little homage to the little souls who would never see this world. This day I looked at those dead plants and saw new green leaves, and 3 beautiful pink flowers on each.

Now I could look at this two different ways. 1. They are called 'Lenten Roses'... and this is well, Lent. It could reasonably be expected that these flowers bloom during this season. or 2. This was a little reminder, a forget-me-not wink from heaven that on this particular day a sad remembrance turned into a little beautiful moment with the bloom of those flowers. To see something dead or dormant come alive has been a full-circle moment for which they were planted. Call it what you want but it made me feel a little warm and fuzzy, a little less sad and a lot more healed.

Super Sunday Bikini Contest

Last December while talking to a friend of mine, she mentioned that existing home owners could get $6500 if they sold an existing and bought a new home. That little chunk of money dangled like a carrot in front of my husband and I. Shortly before I found out I was pregnant again, we decided to go for it and put it on the market. VERY loving family has been helping us ever since to get this thing ready to show. No small feat, just ask my mom who has been telling me how much our house has needed cleaned for the last 6 years.

After 3 months, 3 snowstorms, 3 trips to donate crap (including 3 contractor grade garbage bags of my clothes from 10 years ago) and a very uneventful first trimester we did it! I have never been to therapy, but I think achieving this has been damn near an epiphany.

On Facebook I described selling our house as feeling like you're "standing outside in a bathing suit." Now this might seem a little strange, but you have no idea how much anxiety it gives me to put on a bathing suit, let alone go out in public. In fact, I took my kids swimming last year at the YMCA twice. A near miracle considering I hadn't been in a bathing suit since spring break 1997. Seriously. 1997... and that was a good 65 lbs ago. And I tried to stay drunk the whole time so I didn't have to be aware of the fact that I was actually in a bathing suit.

And so really, that's how I feel about selling this house. It's me. It's all my decisions for the last 6.5 years put in 18 pictures and a brief description. You wonder what people think, but really don't want to know. You know you don't look as good as a lot of other people, but you hope some odd person some how looks past the dimpled ass and varicose veins and thinks, "whoa dude, she's hot. I want to make an offer." (And please let that offer be about within $5,000 of our asking price.)

Last Sunday was "Super Sunday", a superbowl for realtors trying to convince those who don't own homes they should do so NOW. Over 3,000 homes for sale in Cincinnati were open for public viewings, hoping to catch a piece of that tax credit pie. Ours was one of those.

I put on that "Open House" bathing suit and tried to flaunt my ass off (new air freshners, fresh flowers and the cleanest this house has ever been!). But... much prettier girls were shaking their booty and no one wanted the fat chick (and by no one, I mean no one showed up for 2 hours). Oh well, at least I put on the suit. And if you know of anyone who wants the most space efficient 4 bed, 2 bath house this side of 75, please send them my way. It's getting really cold standing out here.

I'm Coming Out.

Yes, you read correctly. I am coming out of the closet. This has taken me a long time to write, but I think it's about time. I owe it to my husband and children, all those close to me who already know and have been keeping it a secret (or not so much, like my mom). Ok, here goes...

I am pregnant.

K to the N to the O-C-K-E-D up... again. Yes, for the 5th time in as many years. I am pregnant again. 15 weeks today. So if you look back at my previous posts it might make a little sense while I raged in one and contemplated life and loss in another. So goes the wonderful roller coaster that is gestation.

And why the dramatics? Well, for those of you who do not have children, but plan to one day, take this piece of advice. Enjoy every second of telling people about your first pregnancy. You will get hugs, tears, laughing, eye winks, presents, cards and flowers. People will carry your groceries, open doors for you and ask how you are feeling. Every old woman within a block of you will get a twinkle in her eye, feel your belly and tell you to relish every second because it goes so fast, she should know, her baby is now 60.

And then your second pregnancy? Well, it's alright. You get people saying 'Congratulations', 'Good luck!', 'It's twice the work'. You even get the occasional 'STOP NOW WHILE YOU CAN!' (I thank my sister, who has 4 children, for that little number)

Thus brings us to pregnancy number three. You are lucky to get a, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for." All this while apologizing profusely and dragging along a screaming toddler and grumpy preschooler who both want a new pony and a sippy cup o' juice.

I've only had a few people close enough to me make the daring announcement to family and friends they are expecting a FOURTH, the audacity! One of those being my sister who announced she was expecting her last child, while holding a crying 10 month-old as her 5 year-old 2-1/2 year-old ran around the table terrorizing any relative who looked at them cross-eyed (which was all of them of course). From how it was recalled by my mother, the entire table fell silent, mouths fell open, forks fell onto their plates and everyone held their breath. Until my uncle started laughing, which started everyone else laughing, because, they all thought she was telling a really bad joke.... which she wasn't. Needless to say I don't think it was the reaction my sister and her husband were going for.

So 4 people, I'm outed. Still a little worried here and there but guess it's time to strart spreading the news. The due date is August 28th. Dead heat of the summer (yay!). Feel free, go ahead and say it, "Hey lady, you knew what you were signing up for."

Perspective

Ever sail along in life so engrossed in what you are doing that you fail to see things in order of importance? Life has been hectic the last few months, to say the least, looking ahead to things to come this year. I had some time yesterday though to reflect on the day's events while riding along a desolate country road, staring out into flat solid snow covered fields with a fog so thick you couldn't tell where the ground ended and the sky began. We estimated the visibility to be about 1/8 mile. We drove a steady 35 miles an hour, following the line of cars in front of us with same 'FUNERAL' flag waiving from the driver's side window. Every car coming the opposite way pulled over in respect for the large caravan, something you don't typically see in the city. Somber, ethereal, somewhat like time was standing still for this grieving family.

The words the preacher had said during his sermon repeated in my mind as we drove. He said, "Three years ago, absolutely no one would have thought we would be gathered here today." He was referring to the celebration of life for a 43 year-old wife and mother of three kids (ages 8, 6 & 5) who bravely fought and finally succumbed to the horrid disease that is pancreatic cancer. Sadly the same rare cancer her widower's, my husband's first cousin, father had died of 6 years ago. Both families were so unfortunately familiar with how things could go, but hope still abounded through treatments & surgeries. Bright spots shone before the darkness reared it ugly head and the doctors sent her home after Thanksgiving to spend her remaining time with her family.

Just 2 years ago she had her life planned out. Watching her kids grow up, growing old with her husband. But one phone call from a surgeon with a diagnosis jolted those plans to a screeching halt. It reminded me of what I saw outside. Every other time I had been on that same stretch of road, I could see the path ahead me, clear and unimpeded. Numb to the fact of where I was, just focused on where I was going. Today though, the reality is that the path could only be seen where we were, very little ahead. What existed beyond that fog, although I knew once to be an engraved tangible landscape, is now hazy and unfamiliar.

Ironically his foggy haze put things in a clearer perspective for me. Patti had her road map, how her life was to unfold yet no one saw this end. This was a subtle reminder to, of course, know the road I'm on, but more importantly enjoy the scenery where I'm at. As we experienced through some one else's pain, you never know what lays beyond the fog.

And so ends my existential, Debbie-Downer thought of the day.

P.S. Hug your kids tonight :)

I. Hate. Winter.

Hello 4 people who added me to the reading list. It's been nearly 3 months since my last post. I'm sure you missed me. If you didn't, I'm still going to pretend you did because I need the self esteem right now. (insert deep cleansing breath here)

Holy crap. Yes, I'm having a day, a moment, a month, a season, just a BAD TIME OF YEAR! Which really is disheartening because I used to love the winter months. Probably because I was inexplicably lazy. During winter, I had an excuse as to why I didn't to go outside. There were new TV shows every night. It stays dark longer and I could stay in bed all day, or lounge on the couch on the weekends. Nothing got done, but nothing got messy. I used to just exist from January until March. And I loved it.

I don't even have to tell you now why these beloved hibernation days are over. They are 1 and 4 and blond and evil. Well, today they are evil. I'm hiding on the computer as they climb the walls and destroy the little bit of housecleaning I was able to get done today. Seriously, I just looked at the living room and I'm pretty sure the girl from the Exorcist popped out of the toy chest and threw up primary color bits to every corner of the house.

I feel dangerously close to Clark Griswold's rant after he found out he wasn't getting a Christmas bonus on Christmas Vacation. I can't repeat it word for word, but I know there's a lot of bad words followed by a shot of eggnog. Too bad I hate eggnog cause I think it made him feel better.

Now I've successfully escaped for a few minutes I feel tick in my eye starting to ease. Love my kids, hate the cold inescapable winter that turns them into gremlins. Gremlins who like apples and poop every 5 minutes.

My husband just arrived home.

"Hallelujah. Holy S**t. Where's the Tylenol?"